my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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