I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
