It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Send help, water and tortillas.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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