I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
