i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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