Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
