see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
