Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
