Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
