I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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