Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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