i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
