y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
