She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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