So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
