Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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