Fine. I'll sleep in my office
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
