yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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