Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
