Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
