i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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