Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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