Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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