On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He shit in the fireplace
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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