Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
