if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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