i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Farmville is her only friend.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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