I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
