she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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