I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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