remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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