Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
