The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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