ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
