Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize