The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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