i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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