He disabled his match.com account in front of me
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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