my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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