After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
