Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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