I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
worst night to have a conscience
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
