ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
