Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
