I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
