my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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