I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
