someone threw a dead crab at me
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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