someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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