What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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