why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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