so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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