What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
