Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
