I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize