Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
